Divorced Children

I feel like I should offer a disclaimer.  I do not have children.  I had always hoped to be blessed into motherhood, but life has not unfolded in that manner.  I have, however, spent much of my life preparing for that vision and I poured over information on how to raise a healthy child.  At one point in my life, I was the regional designated teacher to teach parenting skills to others.  I am aware that to invoke the children of others into a conversation can be a sore and tender place to go.  That being so, I hesitated to write this.  A couple of things were asked of me recently that have encouraged me to offer a simple truth. 

Parents have my reverence.  It is a blessed obligation and a tremendous task fraught with imperfections galore.  I am not remotely interested in the blame game, finger pointing, impossible standards, etc.  I am wholly concerned for the children.  Today I want to talk about divorced children.

You might wonder why I didn't say "children of divorced parents".  I'm not talking about those lucky ones.  I am talking about the children that become fodder for a parental feud and are treated as though they are the bone between two dogs.  They become divorced from the necessary relationship to one or both parents.

I've watched the hurt and bitter adults spin from a place of anguish.  I truly understand the process of healing that takes place when your heart is broken.  What I haven't understood as easily is the disregard offered to children who do not have the life skills or the emotional boundaries to remain unaffected by the damage an angry and hurt parent can do.

Our society works so hard to create miniature adults out of children.  I think we all forget or simply don't know that children do not operate with the same intellectual process that we do as adults.  Abstract thinking doesn't usually present until junior high ages.  Most children are very concrete with what they understand.  (As some of us are still).

I think "we" also forget the sheer amount of input children glean from the world around them.  When you are on the phone talking, they are listening.  When you sigh or slam cupboards, they hear that, too.  When you get looks or glower.... They see more clearly than you can imagine.

My parents had their moment when they split up, and yet the open fights about who the other person was didn't happen in front of us.  The screaming matches over child support and the subsequent threats of visitation rights being removed were not a part of what we experienced.  And even still.... There is an inherent "who do you love more" game that divorced parents frequently play.  It is part of the wounded acting out adults damage children with.  The following are some of the damaging things we adults can do to small, innocent human beings.

Imagine being a little boy or little girl.... And hearing your gender degraded in speech.  How are you suppose to honor and feel pride in your femininity or masculinity when that is the very thing one of your parents truly hates.  (child's point of view).  "Men can't be trusted"  "women are bitches", etc.

What happens when you grow up with this?  What happens when everyone tells you how much you look like your Daddy and you know that your mother hates that man?

I have a very dear friend that has grieved the loss of his son many times over.  Peace in his son's household meant the rejection of the offending parent.  Poison fed to children will take its toll.  Always.

And as I watched some of that unfold, I wanted to shake this mother and ask her "Why would you hate your son so much?"

Children are not bargaining chips for angry parents that are hurt and feeling betrayed.

Children are not friends that should bear your burden of pain and listen to your insecurities and your woes.

Children are not here for your fulfillment or to take care of your needs.

Children are not free thinking adults.  They are growing.  They are needy.  They are impressionable and more than anything else... children need their parents.  Both of them.

Someone asked me how to let go of the rage and anger they were feeling toward their ex. They were worried that the bitterness was affecting the children.  I think that is an important realization.

My answer is simple.  It also requires dedication and desire.  How do you step out of that place of anger with an ex?  You simply love your children more than your "right" to be angry.  You consider them.  You focus on them.  You make decisions that honor them.

The rage and the bitterness that is talked about is not an emotion.  It is an idea.  It is based on a story we've told ourselves.  We play the scene over and over.  We replay the story time and time again.  You want out of it?  Well then, you let it go.  You step back and you bite your tongue and tell yourself another story..... Like how much you love your child.  How much your ex loves this child.  And how much this beautiful child needs to honor his or her relationship with both parents.

Actively hating your ex is an act of war on your child's soul.  It damages who they are and who they will become.  It is an emotionally violent thing to do to a small and helpless child.  And when the stakes are that high, you simply cowboy up and you do the right thing.  And that is how you choose to let go of the anger and the hurt.... You make a choice for the life of someone you love.  You partner with your ex and you love your child well and healthy into adulthood.  You choose to allow your child to be the child of divorced parents rather than a divorced child.