Shenpa Practise

I hate mosquito bites.  The more I think about scratching, the greater the urge.  The more I scratch, the more I need to.  So I think about it and the greater the urge.  In Buddhist tradition, the ability to refrain from "scratching" what the Tibetan's call "Shenpa", the greater our chance for happiness and peace.

Shenpa is that thought we return to again and again and again.  Like a tongue seeking out a sore tooth.  We mull.  We think.  We get hooked on the shenpa and it reinforces our cravings, habits, addictions and ability to self-denigrate.

I've done an incredible amount of work on my ability to unravel the messages I received growing up.  I have - quite publicly - urged, cajoled, and sometimes raised the rafters with my entreaty to be careful where you allow your mind to settle.  If you want to be the change, you need to own accountability for your stuff and simply make the changes happen.

I'm also woefully human.  And when I get physically sick it becomes easier for me to let the shenpa jerk my chain a few hundred times.  It was a quick ride for me from looking at my insecurities to feeding them.  I let loose an entire village of Shenpa surrounding my own hidden corner of "I'm not worthy".  And it has been an abrupt jerk back into the land of accountability.

I'm on the path of developing loving-kindness toward myself.  Some days I skip along, knowing the pathway like the back of my hand.  Other days, I look around and can't find a landmark that makes the slightest bit of sense.

This week I tripped over a thread of self-doubt and loathing.  I wigged.  I hurt and ached inside with a grief and pain too deep to touch.  I didn't know how to get out of this pocket of fear and pain.  I snarked at two people I love more than I can say, and I immediately knew that I needed to pull it together.  And so I began talking to one of them.  I have not felt like my feet were put to the fire like that in a long time.  Not comfortable.  And then..... smacked with a couple of tremendous truths.

I felt the shell crack open.  I know somewhere inside is a seedling of great potential.  But in that moment I felt that shell crack and I cried like my heart had been broken.  Despite that pain I knew two things.  This brave soul that offers me such truth loves me.  I trust this precious friend.  And in the light of that, I was able to face the truth I had been offered.

I needed to remember who I am.

Rather than returning to the teachings of my youth about who I was to the wounded people around me, I needed to remember what my heart and my soul know to be true.  I needed to remember who I am.  In the constant attendance to the Shenpa that says, "You are not worthy of love", I had forgotten myself.

And so, I unlocked the door to my inner militant woman.  I have the power and the drive to guard against Shenpa.  I am willing to do what it takes to release the hold this thread of pain has for me.  It is very much like training a puppy to quit biting and teething on everything.  1,000 times a day you say to the puppy "Drop it".  So, a good 789 times today (so far) I have picked up that thread of Shenpa and my wiser self has whipped around and said "DROP IT".

The four R's for Shenpa work are: Recognizing, refraining, relaxing and resolving.  I'm dedicated to my own growth and this is what is on my plate for the moment.

I am blessed with a courageous heart.  I am doubly blessed with courageous friends that are willing to offer me loving truth, even when that has an impact with me that is hard to know about.  Sometimes lancing the wound is the only way to help someone else heal.  So, I have gratitude and love for those souls brave enough to journey with me.