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acceptance
July 2009 
EMPTY VESSEL
Jill
I am honoring this moment and time as an empty vessel. I've spent a great deal of my life trying to fill that vessel with something to spark a feeling of aliveness. I have diligently searched to know and understand what was about to unfold. I have foolishly felt like I could imagine the life I wanted.
Now the problem with that last assumption is that when you are seeking to avoid dealing with something or actively turning to a pattern that has served you only in keeping you stuck and ultimately out of sync with your path..... well, the life you imagine that you want is designed to keep you sick.
I do believe we co-create. I do believe we can vision our future choices into being. What happens when you have filled your vessel with illusions and people and things that do not serve your higher purpose but cover up your wound instead?
I got a letter from someone I haven't heard from in a long while. The most honest thing I think he has ever said was the following... "You were the best friend I could have ever had and it scared me so much I found myself running and never knew I was. I ran through relationship after relationship. I fell "in love" time and time again... and then I ran into someone that you know. (name deleted). And I felt myself quit breathing because it was never my intention to run from you, but I couldn't run from myself and keep you around at the same time....."
We all run in one form or another. We avoid. We cover up. We hide. And at some point.... Those things will not work anymore. The rush of falling for someone splinters when the projected illusions die. The chaos of yet another crisis can no longer turn us from facing ourselves. The scattered energy that keeps us in motion when we are determined to be too busy to look.... That wears us down. At some time, we will be forced to stop and look at the mess we've made from the choices we picked.
And I've spent a while looking. I've taken the last year of my life to empty my vessel and leave the defenses down so that I can honestly heal the things that make me run. I've held a courage I didn't think I had in me. I've been brutally honest with myself and I have quit spinning stories to make myself avoid the things I need to heal and focus on.
And somewhere in that I am finding the kernels of hope returning for a life that will nourish me and wrap me in the steady rhythm of love. I am no longer afraid to live. I am no longer afraid to love. I am no longer afraid to simply stand in my own power and be seen by others. I quit running. I quit playing small roles. I quit filling my vessel with things and people outside of me. I am ready and open for the life I soul deep will thrive in.
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Dear Jill,
Thank you for sharing so vulnerably and transparently your personal journey of transformation.
I admire your commitment to being your true self, without pretense or defense.May your spirit shine forth with the courage that you so slowly have grown into. May your life continue to bring you into a deeper harmony with the Truth of who you are. Many blessings on your healing path and on your looking within yourself for all that you need to face, embrace and grow.
May the long time sun shine upon you,
Elena
These words ring to me of someone who is transforming herself. I says to me that this person has fashioned arrows of Truth and of Light with which she slays the dragons of darkness and disorder. Slay on! The struggle is noble and as old as mankind. Everyone fells the pains of diffusion but not everyone will take on the Path. I fell that you Jill have taken on a peaceful and rewarding path. By all means continue to share with us that journey you make.
And so roars the voice of the lioness-the Mama Sue that is in you and will always be in you… You are such a blessing!!! and I am honored to know you….
Blessings abundant
Katrina
Jill, I know exactly where you are at. I was there myself. The main thing is to continue the process of advancing along the path of life.
We must search each avenue and perform each task with all our effort but once that path has run it's course and been completed we must cease to be attatched to it, whatever it is. It we get stuck within it's tentacles it becomes greater than us and engulfs us, swallowing us up. If we renounce it and move on we become greater than it.
You know, most of the truely great painters cannot stand to look at their works once they have added the final brushstroke. In their work they see their imperfections, their turmoil.
What is done is done and what is past is past. We always have a new beginning through renouncing our attachments. We set out spirit free and avoid covering it with bitter beliefs about our inadequacies.
With each new beginning the evolution of our spirit reaches a new level, a new higher terrace on the mountainside of our lifes journey. In life we have several small purposes and only one greater one. We may start life at a lowly rank but by choosing to advance at each junction we get closer to the day when we will realize our true lifes purpose. At this moment all regrets about what was not to be crumble into nothingness.
I used to dream of being a doctor but I had ADD and it wasn't diagnosed until I was well into my fourties. It bugged me no end until I realized that my life purpose will take me to something far greater than being a doctor. No I do not have a single regret.
Take heart, nothing of the material world lasts. It is all designed to fade and die. This is how it must be. We cannot be happy through planning our own happiness, we achieve happiness through giving of ourselves selflessly.
In the words of St. Teresa of Avila; the important thing is not to think a lot but to love a lot. And when we find what causes us to love most we should do it again and again.